Metamorphosis - By Wendy Hagan

Hands up if you have great ambitions that are in your head but permanently stay there. Ok, put your hand up if you constantly start on a goal but quit as soon as you find a decent excuse to use. Also, raise your hand if you feel that you are selling yourself short and know that you are capable of doing incredible things with your life. You probably don’t know it but I had my hand up for all of those.

My name is Wendy Hagan and I am married and a mother to two boys. I am 30 years old but I didn’t feel that I have lived those 30 years. I had hidden. I had planned and failed. I had talked myself out of accomplishing tasks and I had been afraid.

Why do we constantly repeat actions even though we know that it brings us pain? How often do we say ‘that’s enough – no more’ but then line up to receive another dose? When does ‘never again’ really mean ‘never again’? What sets the achievers apart from the non-achievers and can we ever change and become one?

When I was younger I suffered from an incident of abuse. This event altered me and I became withdrawn, insecure and wary of the world. To cope, I subconsciously became an emotional eater allowing food to medicate my moods. But as I was still a child my activity levels and metabolism ensured that I didn’t gain too much weight.

Wendy - 16 weeks out from comp

That all changed when I began working full time and my activity levels dropped off. I was at my heaviest when we moved from sunny Queensland lived in chilly NSW. The cold weather kept me idle and the long pants and tops hid the changes I didn’t want to see.

It was there when I met a female bodybuilder who was a mum and had a love of training that progressed into the desire to compete. She didn’t have the stick thin figures that now-a-days we are forced to think we have to become. She was healthy, happy, toned yet still feminine. I wanted so badly to do what she did but I convinced myself that I was too fat, too unmotivated and just plainly too scared to try.

Years past and then one day I had my wake up call. I remember I had an absolutely horrible day and the only thing that cheered me up was the thought of getting pizza for dinner. My husband was away working and I was home with our 5 year old son. But I just didn’t want a whole pizza, I wanted the garlic bread, the chicken wings and I needed a drink so a Pepsi was ordered. As my son didn’t eat that much, I thought that I had to eat it all that night so there would be no leftovers tomorrow. Always I told myself that I would be good the next day. Ever had one of those pigouts? The instant gratification was there but then I looked at my son and thought “what am I doing?” I am teaching him this is the way to cope with problems. I was projecting my own twisted beliefs onto him. He too would be a victim of my abuse and also my emotional eating. Why would I want to hurt him? 

That was the line in the sand that sooner or later we do reach and say ‘no more’. I started to complete small nutrition and health courses for my own information and to help alter the way I viewed food and my own health and fitness. With knowledge comes power, and bit by bit I was able to break free of the vicious cycles that once held me so firmly in it’s grasps.

I still remembered that female figure competitor and I knew that I had to set myself goals and to challenge myself to step outside of my comfort zone. Losing weight and getting up on stage with nothing more than a bikini and a smile would be the scariest but liberating thing I could think of doing. If I achieved my goal, I knew that nothing else could come my way would terrify me more than that. Everything else would pale in comparison.

Wendy - 1 week out from comp

I did lose the weight and I stepped up on stage in the Sports Model division. Standing there I felt I had stared my fears in the eye. Afterwards I was so proud of my results I thought I would take a week off to enjoy my success, after all I deserved it. A week turned into two, two turned into a month. Everything snowballed until I realized I was only slightly thinner than when I began. What had I done to myself?

Why must making these everyday decisions about what to put in my mouth be so hard? If you are an alcoholic wanted to cease, you avoid the bars, avoid the clubs, but how can you avoid food? We are faced with it and need it everyday.

So once again I was back to analyze my actions. I then came to a realization, I am not a victim. It was unfortunate what happened to me, I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t have the problem, that other person did. Instead of being a sufferer for that event, I allowed myself to be a sufferer for all those wasted years. I was not scared anymore, I was pissed off. I wanted my life back and I was determined to live my life everyday to the fullest to make up for it.

I joined up teams and groups that I had been afraid of doing. I decided to motivate and give confidence to those who had similar problems.  Then with the support, advice and encouragement of Sue and Kristin from Ideal Bodies Online, I went back to training. I did love the feeling of being on stage; to show off my hard work and having the contest date as a goal and something to work towards. I also loved being around like minded and motivated people. Sue and Kristin coached and helped me to step back on stage and take home First Place in the Fitness Division.

I know it is something that will be with me forever, but I now know of the warning signs and how to deal with these issues when they come to head. I hope my story motivates and inspires anyone wanting to seek help or to enter the world of female figure, fitness or bodybuilding.